The intricate workings of the mind of a sub-standard Premiership striker....

Good old Dean Ashton,

I woke heartily this morning and walked to university with a spring in my step. No longer did I feel like my heart had been crushed into tiny pieces by West Ham's victory in the FA Cup semi-final. No, this morning I was a new man.

Until I read the inane ramblings which Mr Dean Ashton, Schwarzer killer-extraordinaire, had issued as an apology. He started well:

"The challenge with Schwarzer was just one of those things - I was going up to try to score a goal and was looking at the ball. Unfortunately, I have caught him — but these things happen."

So far so good, this seems a well balanced apology. Let's continue...

“I don’t blame myself and if it happened to me I would take it. It is very sad to see that he has injured himself badly."

WOAH THERE DEANO! You're supposed to be apologising you grade-A twat! Who is this guy anyway? He used to play for Crewe! I wipe my arse on Crewe! If I ever went to Crewe I'd piss on the high street! I don't even know where Crewe is?!

Mr Ashton, brains of Britain, hasn't acknowledged that Skippy didn't injure 'himself', but was injured by the pointless challenge that he did on Schwarz when he had a comfortable take on the ball! And what does he mean by "I'd take it"? I don't see Skippy complaining in the press about the challenge or anything so I think we can presume he has 'taken it'. Arsehole.

Granted, Ashton does end his statement with:

"I didn’t get a chance to speak to Mark after the game, (obviously, his face had caved in) I had a similar injury last season so I know it’s not nice. I apologise for that but there was no malice intended."

No malice? Does this mean he is admitting he injured Schwarzer now? Is he fucking retarded? And as for 'I had a similiar injury last season...', no he didn't. I doubt Mr Ashton will ever get an injury which could possibly rule him out of a World Cup, as he will never earn the right to play in one.

I didn't used to care much for discussing the 'talents' of Dean Ashton, but now I know talking sense isn't one of them.

Bring on Thursday.