An Imaginary Conversation with Mark Viduka...

"Oh hello Mark, what have you been up to recently?"

"Well Rob, last night I scored a last minute winner against Chelsea, everyones least liked team and London's richest too. Did you see the goal?"

"YES I FUCKING DID VIDUKA, YES I FUCKING DID! YOU'RE A GOD, YOU'RE ALL GODS. KISS POGATETZ FOR ME!"

"Don't call again"

Reason To Make Me President of the World: Number 1

Date: in the future....sometime soon....

BROOK NUDE EVERYDAY THANKS TO MIGHTY PRESIDENT!

Kelly Brook before ripping off all her clothes in sexual frenzy.

To the delight of all men across the world today, Kelly Brook today was announced as the patron for the government's new Female Nudity Benefit Scheme (FNBS).

Under the scheme, created by World President Dixon, women between the ages of 18 and 30 will get the chance to claim free entry to the cinema, bowling alleys and £200 a month from the government just by walking around in the buff!

However, prospective candidates will face a big test to earn the privileges available.

Every week, ten women from across the world will appear on ITV1's new 'What A Pair Of Tits' show (hosted by Ant and Dec) with a chance to win a place on the scheme. After previewing each contestant in the nip, viewers get to decide by telephone which women are too ugly for a place on the FNBS, while the hottest girls get the chance to shed their clothes and join the scheme for a 5-year period!

After the announcement, Ms Brook disrobed and said: 'This is what I've waited for my whole life. I've always hated clothes and love it when repugnant, sweaty, perverse men stare at my naked flesh'

'I just hope I can raise awareness of the great work my husband, President Dixon, is doing to promote beauty and sexiness. He's always been passionate about this and finally we may all see the wonderful day when ugly people are deservedly ridiculed for their twisted, disproportionate features.'

What a Pair of Tits' starts this Saturday on ITV1 at 8pm.

Be My Perfect Customer!

Twatty customers! Everyone, from supermarket workers to other customers, hate them. Here in my eyes (and on my blog) is the essential guide to becoming a good supermarket customer:

1. Don't Converse With Me!
I don't want to talk to you, I just want to take your money. Say hello and goodbye though.

2. Don't Bring Your Own Bags!
People who bring their own bags seem to think they're guaranteeing the future of our planet by doing so, but let me tell you this: When the world has been blown to within an inch of its existence by a nuclear holocaust, do you think the handful of human survivors left (along with the cockroaches) will be relieved when they stumble over a cargo of unused carrier bags?

"John! Look! Carrier bags! At last, something to put our shopping in!"

"Dave, we can't eat anything as it is all doused in radiation and if we did we would die a slow and painful death"

"Shit"

Just use the ones in the shop people!

3. Don't Expect Me To Ask You About Company Loyalty Schemes!
If you want to take part in any of the company offers sooo much, you'll tell me about them. I'm not wasting my breath on you if you miss the thousands of promotional posters slapped around the shop.

4. Don't tut when I'm closing my till!
If I'm closing, it's because I'm going on a break or going home. Now, I prefer my breaks and home to putting your shopping through the till and I work fucking hard to earn both of those privileges. I call people rude names under my breath if they tut when I'm closing down, you don't wanna be called a 'cock-gobbler' do you?

5. Don't Ask If I'm Closed When There's No Evidence That I am!
"Are you closed?"

"Yes madam I am. I just have a fondness of sitting on a till, staring into space with a face like my arse while my till light shines brightly above me, my conveyor belt is on and a smattering of open carrier bags sit in the loading bay"

Think before opening your mouths people.

6. Don't Forget Your Means of Payment!
This more for you than me. It makes you look like a right twonk.

7. Don't Bring A Trolley To A Hand-Basket Till!
One customer who did this said to me: "Well it's a hand-basket with wheels". I nearly stabbed him with a biro.

8. Don't Complain When Stuff Is Moved!
Wars rage across the world, people die of AIDS and starvation everyday, numbers of people without homes or families increase by the hour. Alongside these major world events, your trouble finding the tins of peas doesn't really concern me. Look harder!

9. Don't Ask Me Where Stuff Is!
I spend my working day sat on the till. I don't get to walk about and find stuff. I don't know where anything is, you bring it to me!

10. Don't Push Your Goods Up The Conveyor Belt!
You may not have noticed but it's set up to bring the stuff to me. You aren't helping, you're just pissing me off.

11. Don't Get Aggressive When An Offer Doesn't Come Off!
"Those sandwich bags are half-price. THERE WAS A BIG SIGN SAYING IT, I WANT THAT SORTED OUT"

First of all, don't cry, they're only sandwich bags. Secondly, the chances are you picked up the wrong thing, you senile prick.