Tramp Humour and More Thoughts On Sex...

Tramps are such a gentle kind of being. No one sees them during the day, unless they're in shops haggling for a can of Special Brew or trying to steal a Tracker bar. However when night falls, they're everywhere.

Also Lincoln, is it me or has there been an increase in the number of tramps on our streets since we've headed towards Christmas? What a coincidence that as the 'Season of Good Will' falls on us, that people suddenly are begging in the streets. Bizarre.

I was approached by one such hairy hobo just the other day. One the way to work two of em were shouting at me from the other side of the road. I paid no mind to it, mainly as I couldn't hear them I was listening to my MP3 player (haha, take that u trampy bastards).

Eventually I realised they were shouting at me and I took out my earphones and talked to them.

"Can I help?" I said, knowing I really didn't want to.

"Yeh, mate. We've been out in the cold all night, homeless u see. Could u spare some change so we can get a coffee or something?"

"Erm...well, i'm sorry", I replied decisively, "I've got no change"

"That's ok" They shouted back. "We'll just have your tenner instead then!"

Haha. What's he doin living on the streets when, with lines like that, the geez is obviously destined for stand-up. Lazy fat tramps.

Today I also have a couple more comments on sex. Things not to say now include:

I wish you were someone else.
I wish you had a cock (unless you're saying it to a man with no cock, as then it is a compliment)
Your sister didn't do it that way (thanks Sarah!)

Please people, keep em coming. Post them on the comments or email me and the definitive list will be up on Friday.

A couple of last words: Come on 'Boro!

Death, links and sex...

I am sorry for anyone who reads this regularly for several reasons:

1. I'm sorry you have no life.
2. I'm sorry you probably smell of cheese and shit.
3. I'm sorry but I haven't updated this in ages.

I haven't particularly been busy, I've just not had that humourous and witty outlook on my life for the past few days. It has been a dark time this weekend (no, seriously), bit of death here and a bit of death there.

ANYWAY! I know what you're thinking, you're thinking 'Whoa, Rob don't take me there' and to be honest readers...I don't wanna take you there! So let's carry on with some light-hearted banter.


Firstly, well done to the Boro for playing out a 2 2 draw against the mighty 'Brom. For fuck's sake boys, we used to be a team who couldn't score but defended well, now we're a team who score but can't defend! This doesn't worry me tho, as we haven't conceded in Europe yet and the Yak is still firing in goals! Bring on Palace.

Talking of Palace, Palace fan James Chick helped me out greatly in solving the problems I've had trying to put the 'Links' section on the site. Chick helped out brilliantly with a stirling tip....'use the help section'. Thanks Chick.

Something else that tickled my fancy was a conversation I had that ended in an idea for a great feature for this site:

THINGS NOT TO SAY DURING SEX!

I came up with a few ideas like:

1. So your tits are just like a cow's udders yeah?

2.I want to rip off your asscheeks and wear them as a hat.

3.What's that squelchy noise?

4.That makes me feel really uncomfortable.

5.You really need a Muff Muff.

It's at this point I ask you (yes you!) for some of your own witty suggestions. You can email them to me or leave them in the comments section, and I will put up a definitive list at the end of the week.

(It is now that I feel I should highlight the fact I have never said these things during sex, so please don't jump to this conclusion. My girlfriend will vouch for this.)

Anyway, until next time my chums, adieu.

PS. I am yet to recieve an email back from Norwich City in reply to my email on Thursday.

A letter to Nigel Worthington...

Hello Mr Worthington and all your staff at Norwich City Football Club.

I have a friend from Wymondham called Sam Foulger. He is 21 and is thin. He has supported Norwich now for a long time. He follows the club through the good and the bad times and is a little upset at the club's current position in the Championship.

He is also frustrated that Norwich are signing relatively unknown players on loan in their pursuit of the play-offs. My friend Sam is a realist and he thinks there are several players that City could easily buy.

1.Roy Keane
He's old but experienced and will have the midfield presence that City are currently suffering without. Delia will be able to afford his wages.

2. Ronaldo (both of them)
As I say, my friend Sam is a realist and feels this would be the quality of player that City should be looking at in the transfer window.

Now by wanting these signings, Sam is keeping his feet on the ground.

He understands that to keep morale and a good squad, you don't want a squad of superstars. Believe me, I've heard Sam swear a lot whenever anyone on the telly mentions Chelsea and Mourinho!

So Nigel, I hope Sam's suggestions are useful to you and that you'll be able to fulfil his dreams and sign the above players.

All the best and good luck for the rest of the season.
Robert William Dixon

This was sent earlier today to Norwich City FC because Sam was down and I wanted to help him out.

Pizzas, Hockey and Soundbites...

I've just suffered the great misfortune of writing lines and lines for this lovely post, only to watch them freeze up and disappear in the blink of an eye. Sadly there was some truly amazing shit on that thing, so i'm gonna have to try to remember my best moments, so you (yes you!) can enjoy these tasty morsels of my life. But whatever u do, don't spit them out! Ha ha ha he he...oh fuck i am getting old.

Things that enlivened my day today:

1 Me and my friend Kes (still not a bird) went to Pizza Hut today for a lunchtime buffet only to be greeted by the waitress like an old friend. Now, despite my figure, it is a fact that me and the birdman (still not a bird and i never call him the birdman) have only been once before today. However, this action of friendly recognition has forced me and Kes (bird? no) to not go to the Hut again for two weeks or more. Strangers are not your friend.



2. Went to watch Hockey today. Lincoln 1sts were playing Lincoln 2nds in what was sure to be a clash of the titans. It wasn't, the 1sts won 9-0, thus reasserting why they are the firsts and the seconds are...well, the seconds.
As it was an all-Lincoln game, I wasn't impressed to hear one hilarious joker/spectator shout 'COME ON LINCOLN' at the top of its voice. Don't get too emotional mate, Lincoln were gonna win either way. Twat.


3. I interviewed my friend Harry (not the prince) about his experiences of American summer camp. The little man (he's not little) worked there and helped out kiddies. Thankfully his Media Comms skills shone through and his answers to my questions were little soundbites, perfect for my radio newsday tomorrow, thanks Harry!

And finally...I was supposed to put a link up to fellow blogger James Chick's site tonight but unfortunately I haven't the faintest idea how to do it so James, lets talk!

So thats it for now, goodnight people and don't have nightmares

PS That's Nick Ross fromCrimewatch you retards, u know the"don't have nightmares" guy...oh for fucks sake.

Getting old...

I'm not usually someone who dwells on the supreme misery of life....(well ok then I am), but yesterday I hit a new low.

I took some jeans back to Burton, as they were the wrong size (i'm a humble 34R since you ask) and also as I thought they were damaged. I told the sales assistant these two facts and what ensued is something of complete embarassment.

"Where was the damage?" he said,

"Just on the knee there and that knee there" I tentatively replied.

"Erm, sorry but that's the fashion mate"

"Er..well, erm, I thought that it looked stupid anyway"

OH NO! I held my head in my hands and realised what i had just done. I had just shown my age...yes if the hairline didn't give it away, my lack of any fashion sense did. I know i'm only 21, but I get the sneaky feeling that within two or three years i'll be wearing 'jesus sandals'.
Oh dear.

Anyway, that was yesterday and since then i've got back on the horse!
Due to an interesting conversation with me lass about the possibility of the invention of the 'nose muff' (don't ask), i've come up with a great idea for an invention....

THE MUFF MUFF!!!
'For women who are cold downstairs'

Again, don't ask where that came from but hell, what a great idea!

Just to be topical again for one sinew of a second, Lincoln pubs aren't jumping at the chance to stay open for 24 hours under the new legislation. What a crock!

I don't care for the logistical or financial reasons behind this, I just wanna get pissed up at stupid hours of the day when my dissertation write-up is going badly next year...that's all.

Also, before I sign off for more hilarious adventures, I just want to say to my amazing readers, please feel free to leave comments on any of the subjects by clicking the little icon at the end of the posts...adieu

For the fans...

For the hardy soul who requested one(no doubt my girlfriend), here's a pic of James Morrison, said ten-year-old from my previous post:

Also, I just read in the Guardian (yes I am a stereotypical student) that the mighty Physics is dying out in schools due to a lack of teachers to take classes!

That's great news and I really hope it goes. I don't care why a ball bounces or why cars are streamlined, it's a dull, lifeless subject that breaks the world we live in into systems, rules and measurements. We already have too many of these so it's about time shite like physics was banished from schools forever.

More sex ed!!!

Wizards, Booze, Checkouts and Yakubu...

Yes! I went to see Harry Potter and before anyone dares scold me with the fiery waters of criticism, I want you to know one thing...it was actually alright.

There were three great moments in the film...
1. Someone died and everyone got upset. People dont' usually die in these 'kiddie' films so i was well happy with that. Plus the lad who got killed was the type of 'young buck' who drinks ginger beer in the summers that he spends on daddy's 'magic boat' (a yacht to you and I).

2. The ginger lad, whose name always escapes me, told Potter to 'piss off'. It was hilarious!

3. The 'evil, twisted, Dark Lord' of the series, Voldemort is nothing more than a Danny Mills lookalike!...

Oooohhhh scary!

I reacted to the film in the only way someone like me can. I went out and got absolutely sloshed.
Me and my non-Communist comrades started at Shots. We stayed for all of an hour after we decided we couldn't take anymore of the local 'lookers' out that night. Whaling companies should seriously consider coming to Lincoln for a hunt.

The Falcon was usual mess of Whisky, Bullseye and Mousetrap. Me and Kes (not a bird, in the slightest) have worked out that the majority of our funds went on the quizzer without any actual victory. Whoops.

Scream followed and I'm pretty sure my dancing is getting slowly worse.

The dullness of a weekend in Morrisons got livened up yesterday when another Morrison made my days bright oncemore.

James Morrison got his first Premiership goal yesterday in our epic victory over the mighty Fulham. Yes, he does look like a ten-year-old and yes, he occasionally plays like one...but he's from Darlo so he's alright.

Also, is it me or is Yak getting better with every game?

Harry Potter and the hardest shot in the Premiership...

Today I am feeling a large amount of lethargy hover over my weary bones.

Yes ladies and gents, I'm in Uni but i'm not doing work...again!

I do however have excuses for my lack of work yesterday and today:
1. Yesterday was infact (and this was only known to me) 'National Schwarzer Day' in tribute to the heroics of Middlesbrough's number one keeper.
2. Today is 'National Harry Potter Day' (again only known to me) as the new film about the wizard boy hits UK screens.

I am indeed going to see the Potter film today, because i'm a loyal boyfriend who stands by his woman in her hour of need. I've also heard he has his first wank in this one...but that might just be a rumour.

...Not that I particularly want to see the powerful rival of Voldemort spunk his load on his Gryffindor bedsheets, i just thought it would make good cinema.

Anyway, let's steer away from this violent mess of explicit wizard masturbation onto something far more interesting...Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink has brought out his autobiography!

As we can see from the arty 'BHS' catalogue pose of the front cover, it's gonna be crackin read. Mum get it on my Xmas list!

Also, tonight is me and my housemates big night out. Yes, the boys of 22 are going mad in Lincoln tonight. It could end up being a night of debauchery with hookers and empty whisky bottles lying everywhere....but it'll probably end with us singing songs on our own in the corner of one of Lincolns 'seedy alleyways' (tm) while being prodded with a spoon by a German Business Studies student.

Same old same old...

Fire Drills and Penalty Shootouts

Am I the only person in the entire world who feels that one would rather die brutally and painfully in a fire...than be saved by a fire alarm?

They are noisy, loud, stupendously rude and satanic.

Maybe if someone somewhere could create a fire alarm which was a touch more gentle on the ears and a little more polite ('get out or you'll die...please), I would appreciate their intervention and protection of my safety.

In other news, Mark Schwarzer sent the Aussies to the World Cup singlehandedly (although Marco Bresciano, a very aussie name, would argue this fact). This means that, avoiding injury, Schwarz AND Viduka will be in the World Cup Finals next year!!! Two Boro players! Great!

The only issue I have with the Australians qualification is simple. Their inclusion in the world cup means that such huge footballing talent as Lucas Neill, John Aloisi, Harry 'Champion's League medal' Kewell, Brett Emerton and Tony Vidmar will be playing against the world's best teams (and Serbia & Montenegro) next year.

This is an outrage and should be stopped, but I'm secretly backing Tim Cahill to be the surprise star of the tournament...

Oh dear...

I woke up this morning only to realise the terrible amount of responsibility i've placed on my young, balding shoulders by starting this 'beast'.

Everything I now do I think, 'would this be good on the blog?', 'do people wanna hear this?', 'is my life on a downward spiral?' Right now I'm sat in university thinking about my day ahead...to work or not to work, that is the question.

I have so much to do and a relatively decent amount of time to do it in. Do I need to pressure myself in the ways I do? Oh shit, I have just turned into some enormous crap-speaker (definition: a speaker of crap).

A few other things to note today:
1. Rob Rouse is an intensely funny comedian, which I suppose is good for a comedian.
2. Apparently some people in London call 'fit' men....'beans'.
3. Games Computing students are geeks.

OK OK, i know no.3 sounds hypocritical coming from a man who writes a weblog, but they are, simple as that.

On Friday, I followed my Games Computing student of a housemate into the 'Games Computing Labs'. I was bored and he was only gonna be a few minutes printing off some work, so I didn't see the harm it could cause.

The first room I walked in was some sort of social accident.
50 salivating geeks sat staring at screens, banging their keyboards and clicking their mice like crazy chimp-like mutant men...this wasn't the most worrying thing.

They were all playing the same game...Battlefield or Battlefront or summat. 50 of them, all playing the same Vietnam-based army game...this wasn't the most worrying thing.

The most worrying thing was simply that they were barking military-style orders at each other, like they WERE the game.

Shouts echoed across the room...
"the helicopter's down, the helicopter's down.."
"bob, cover me while I get the injured..."
"I'm hit! I'm hit!"

I am not shitting you.

The thought that crossed my mind after seeing this is a very logical one.
The US and the UK like to start wars with people, send in soldiers, get them killed. It seems to me, the most well-prepared people to be in a warzone would be geeks! They've had plenty of practise at air and ground assaults, they could sort out any Iraqi villagers with broadband connections and finally, NO ONE WOULD MISS THEM!

Brilliant....I should write on here more often.

Hello

This is my first post, and i'm exceptionally proud to be writing a blog to a potential audience of millions and trillions...although i know i'm my cold cold heart, i will be the only person who ever reads these inane pointless ramblings.

I am a simple man with simple needs. I like lager, indie music and football. I imagine the majority of my posts will be about my new favourite bands and also the ever-disappointing results of Middlesbrough Football Club.

Today though, i can only think about the strain and pain of university life.
Here at Lincoln University we are given far too much work to do to complete this peculiar thing called a 'degree' (i say too much, it is a fair amount but i'm just a lazy mofo).

My Journalism degree has destroyed my life so much that i check the BBC news website daily and read Bella. This is not the academic, scholarly work that i signed up for!

I demand more people walking around in glasses, duffel coats and scarves......this isn't a university, its a fashion show....grrr. What am i talking about? I really don't know...