Narnia is bollocks...READ WHY BELOW!

Good evening!

I don't know whether any of my 'loyal' readers have been checking this bad boy over the last couple of weeks but I do apologise if so, as I've not really kept it too well up to date. But here's a nice story and rant all neatly combined.

I went to The Lion, The Witch and the Mahogany Chest of Drawers the other day and I found it rather good. Just good though, nothing else.

I had a few issues with it you see, the main one being the religious undercurrent of the whole shindig. When I complained of this to my sister, she argued back that 'ah ha Rob, its bound to have some religion in it as CS Lewis was a theologist!'

SO FUCK. Right, being a theologist means studying God and stuff....it doesn't mean plagiarising half of the New Testament when writing a kiddy's book.

I'm not the most religious type in the world, but even I spotted that the plotline of a lead character dying for the sins of others, then having his body disappear and then be resurrected a little familiar. Bloody christians.

Also it got a little silly at the end, when all the kids in it were crowned as the monarchy of Narnia. Please note, there are spoilers in the next paragraph so if you really care, don't read it.

Each child got crowned and given a name. Here are what they were and why its a crock of shit:

1. Edmund the Just: Edmund was a fucking liar! AND the reason why Aslan died in the first place. Everything that goes wrong in the film is HIS fault. Other cultures would execute him, not call him 'just'.

2. Susan the Gentle: She carried a bow and arrow around half the time! AND shot a dwarf near the end...really fucking gentle. Dickheads.

3. Peter the Magnificent: Plummy accent, slightly camp and a tosser...three reasons why he's not magnificent.

4. Lucy the Valiant: She was a screaming girl all the way through and, like Peter, she started the whole mess off and left it to big bro to sort out. Stupid cow.

SO, as you can see the film is a pile of wank.

Still, good special effects though.

More graffiti, balloons and new slang...

Yo yo, research done and here's more of the toilet graffiti in my workplace and my own personal reactions:

1. Why is everyone here gay? : why are you straight?

2. (name) is quere as you like: he may be gay, but you can't spell.

3. Twat: hmmm

4. (name) sucks cock for nasal spray: genius

5. Fuck Bob!: I couldn't blank the name on that one cos its just class

6. You're all fucking nobs who suck (name)'s cock and love it: this one was written twice, the first time the brainiac who wrote it ran out of space. Nonce.

7. Netto is mint: indeed

8. (name)'s lass is a hoare: as before, she may be, but you still can't spell.

So there you go. If you ever doubted the intelligence of the staff at one of your local supermarkets, you have a right to.

In other news, we had a balloon man in work today, making balloon animals for all the little kiddies. One of the first kids he came to was a baby at my till. He walked up and said, while rubbing his balloon (easy now) "oh would you like an animal?"

The girl cried, then howled, then screamed.

The situation was defused when the grandad of the child (he who was buying groceries) comforted her gave the balloon man the evil eye.

Apparently, the grandad had told Balloon Man that his granddaughter is petrified of balloons when the pair first entered the shop, but alas, the man ket tormenting them! What a bastard, kids entertainers are the new evil in our society.

I was also ignored by a member of my family at work today but never mind.

Also, I found foreign people pretending to be English! Yeah really! The BNP will have a fit. Today I served two fellas who bought items such as...Colmans 'English Mustard'....HP sauce and finally, crucially, a Michael Caine DVD boxset!

However, Jurgen and Josef, I saw through your ruse! When I say 'saw', I mean 'heard' as their accents proved they both were clearly not of this land! Usually you can tell the foreigners from their love of sauerkraut, Protocol vodka and nut cookies but these imitators have to watched, they may take over or....God forbid, get in government.

Obviously, with my work on the checkouts, I get a lot of time to think and consider life in all its forms. During todays thinking time I thought of a new slang word...a new word to make the kids stop using 'cool' or 'mint' or 'wank'....how about 'phallic'?

For those who don't know what it means:
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phallic

I feel it has positive qualities. Men like their cocks, girls like their cock, who loses? To me, it is a perfect word of positive description. Start today! Tell your little brothers and sisters the 'new slang' and get them to spread it on the playground. I want everything to just be phallic phallic phallic.

Note: I'm not homosexual.

Like Buses...

Yes!
It's true, not only do I post for the first time in ages...i do it again on the same day!

Yeah, just a quickie to let you have an insight into the minds of my colleagues at Morrisons.

Today as I was sat, probably pooing, on a toilet at work, I noticed the amount of graffiti on the walls of the cubicle. I then proceeded to read some of the ramblings that i've always ignored while i've been using the hygiene facilities in Morton Park.

What I found was some of the sharpest wit this side of Noel Coward, and for your delictation, here's some of the finer bits. Obviously, names have been deleted due to privacy reasons (and cos some of the graffiti may be true).

1. (NAME) is a twat: Ok, not the best but direct and straight to the point.

2. You are gay: Again, I admire the directness.

3. Produce staff shop in Netto: Brilliant, all of the differents depts hate each other!

4. You are all nobs: Are we? Or do all the people who use the cubicle just have one? Hmm, a thinker.

5. (NAME): Pampers' official nappy tester: Brilliant

6. Could you not write on the wall!: Excellent sarcastic wit, takes a post-modern view by graffitiing to tell people not to. The finest.

Amazing, I know that's what you're thinking. All I can say is one thing: there's more where those nuggets of hilarity came from. Yes, they're all from one cubicle!

To do thorough research, I'm going to check the other two cubicles for more graffiti tomorrow! Yey!

Where did my life go....

Home Sweet Home...

Well kids, I'm back home and it's like I've never been away. Well actually it is.

I got back to the sunny English province of Darlo (yes I don't live in the smoky province of Boro like many at uni assume) on Friday and wow, it has been a rollercoaster few days since then.

I've worked...and that's about it.

I did go and see King Kong last night though. It's a pretty good, super-widescreen-huge cinematic effects spectacular! Although the moral of the story was very apparent to me in this wartime era:

No matter whoever or whatever you are, the Yanks still shoot you in the end.

Poor ape, the body hair reminded me of Kes. Not the bird.

I also met up with Five-star Brain and Royston at the Springer to watch the second half of the Boro draw with Spurs. Great match for the neutral, shame I wasn't. Our defence used to be water tight....now theres piss and shit everywhere, mainly from Ugo and Gareth's incontinence pants. C'mon McClaren, buy someone under 30 for the defence! Dare ya!

Oh yeah by the way, Chris Riggott is hugely underrated.

I've been filling the days when I'm not at work by ripping CDs on to this lovely PC and putting them on my MP3 player. It's long and arduous but fun, in a twisted, Shipman way.

Anyway I must get ready for work (again) and get my groove on the checkout. Adieu.

The Ball Aftermath...

Yes, hello.

I am still here and best of all, unlike the majority of my friends, I didn't lose a night of my life at the Lincoln University Xmas Ball.

I don't wanna bore anyone with the details, but ents-wise, it was utter excrement...and the food (well the food that I managed to eat after the human dustbin on the table passed me some) was wire wool.

However, I must praise the DJ! (Yes, I'm praising a DJ!). He was totally my soul-bruvva in many ways with his crazy tunes. Yeh we'll have some Bloc, oh and some Maximo or maybe a bit of Rage Against The Machine (!?)...what a dude.

Top marks to him, he made me dance my malnutrition away with his amazing tunage.

Characters that I observed at the Ball can be split in to several categories:

The Pissed: those who start drinking at 7pm and are kicked out at 7.30pm.

The Mishearers: those who mishear what someone says, then fall out with them, then go into town to buy them a reconcilatory sandwich.

The Forgetful: Those who were there, but can't actually remember being there.

The Problem Makers: Those who decide, as they've drank a glass of wine, they want to split up their girlfriends and go out with ex-girlfriends while wandering around licking people's faces.

The Dirty: Those who decide they've had a pint so its time to stick their fingers in their lady's woo-woo and get people to smell their fingers.

No mentioning of names here, they all know who they are and understand how utterly bizarre they can act.

However, I want more of these hilarious stories, so if you can think of another character to be placed with the above, email me and I'll put it up. No probs.

Media Diversity, Scooters, Metal and Christmas...

Again, I apologise (to anyone who cares) for my significant lack of posts this week as I've been busy! No really!

A lot of my time was taken up by work for my Radio News unit at uni, which I completed yesterday. Yesterday I had the privilege of doing a voicepiece (me explaining a story) and vox pop (talking to members of the public) on Bat's testicles. No really, the whole story is here:

http://www.sky.com/skynews/article/0,,91059-13475802,00.html

The stories I covered yesterday made me realise the shite I've spent my time writing copy for over the last weeks. So here, for your own personal delectation, is the entire list of the subjects I have covered:

Lincoln's School of Journalism, BSkyB, Harry Potter, Camp America, STIs, UEFA Cup, AIDs, Cannabis, Dr Pepper, Xbox, Lennon, Rail fares, Bat's balls, Coronation Street...in that order.

Now that my little bumblebees, is media diversity.

In other news, feel free to abuse and torture your local WH Smith sales assistant to find the new issue of TAG magazine, as it has yours trulys opinion on the new Franz Ferdinand and Starsailor albums in there. A quality read in a complicated world.

Another reason my time has been somewhat taken up recently is because I went out on Wednesday. I know what you're thinking...'shut up Rob we don't care if you went to Ritzys again' but alas! I didn't!

No. Me and a couple of distinguished gents went to Po Na Nas on Wednesday.

Pure white-noise-punk-ass metal coming in your ears. Really. Even by my own granny scaring standards (System of A Down, Queens, Funeral For A Friend) it was rather loud. The music however was but one issue.

The other issue was that the clientele consisted largely of sweaty, long haired neanderthals twirling their heads like demonic Catherine Wheels...with out the fireworky sparkiness.

I went in hope that there would be some 'alternative' females to look at but had to make do with looking at the feminine styles of Kes and Si. I say they look slightly feminine as they have long hair.

Tonight I'm out on the prowl again, this time dressed like a top candidate for James Bond at the Uni Xmas Ball. You'll all be pleased to hear I tried everything on last night and look fucking hot. Unfortunately ladies, I do have a date for the night...but if given a decent offer I will attempt to shake her off. I have no morals.

Sleep well little ones...

Hip Hop, Checkouts, Burger King and Teesside....sounds like the first line for a shit joke!

Yo yo, word to ya mutha...yes the rumour you've heard is true. I have been listening to hip hop today.

OK OK, it doesn't count, it's Kanye West and while he is brilliant (though dressed like a tennis player in the above pic), I would be a fool to argue with you haters when you say that I'm only listening to him cos he was recommended to me by the white man-dominated music press of NME and Q, cos its true.

But feck, he's funny and with the remix of 'Diamonds from Sierra Leone' he actually deals with issues worthy of Bono and Bob Geldof when talking about 'conflict diamonds' trade in Africa. So respect to him. Plus I gave myself a small chuckle when Jay-Z says in the same song "I'm not a business man, i'm a business, maaaan".

To tie in with my new hip-hop styles, I bought some 'rapping' paper today for my xmas presents. Hahahaaaaaaa.

I apologise for not posting for awhile but I've been very busy would you believe. Through the past few days I've:

-Been told that I, as a checkout operator, have 'more responsibilty than a butcher' by a superior of mine at work.

-Spent hours thinking what the hell said-manager was talking about when he said that.

-Photocopied

-Gone to Deep Pan Pizza for a buffet lunch with Kes (for all the info, check Richard's site in the links page)

-Had a rather spiffy spontaneous night out with my girlfriend which was a lot of fun. Me? Fun? Hip Hop? Weird.

-Been to Burger King, on my own.

Now the thing with Burger King is that I've had loads of issues with that place in the past. Last year, even though you can hardly tell from my figure, I nearly went regularly every week because it became a sort of addiction.

However, I have since seen the error of my ways and now my only vice is the prostitutes I keep in my wardrobe in home.

In other news, I want to reveal to you all today, that in my 3rd season in charge of 'Teesside' on Pro Evo 5, I have just won the league, the cup and Wefa Championships. Now to people who don't know Evo or those who don't care, please don't taunt my geekyness and for the people who do understand 'I know! How cool!'

OK this hasn't been very funny but this is like rehab. I've had a few days of nothing coming to me for this site, so i'm building up again. Don't give up on me homies.